Current mood:

quixotic

Commitment (written on 6/12/98)
How do you know when to make one?
... or break one?

[If you think I'm giving you an easy answer to this one, you must be nuts.]

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Gay Marriage -- even some of our most "tolerant" straight friends can't quite accept the idea of letting two men or two women marry each other. These "tolerant" folk might agree that all sexual acts between consensual adults should be legal. They might think gay men and lesbians deserve equal employment opportunities, and equal access to housing (as long as we "work hard and play by the rules" like President Clinton says). Still, they want to reserve "marriage" for heterosexuals. If we push really hard, they might offer us a limited set of "domestic partner" benefits, but that just ain't the same thing!

Meanwhile, our intolerant enemies criticize us for being promiscuous.

Is it any wonder we are more promiscuous when they won't even let us get married?

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Commitment is a decision. Love may come from the heart, but commitment comes from the head. It has to. When you buy your man a ring, plan a ceremony, and make public vows to each other, you have made a decision to stay with this man for as long as you both shall live. A commitment needs to be a decision, because there will be days, or weeks, or perhaps months where your heart goes astray. Long-term couples (I'm talking 10+ years here) know all about the highs and the lows of relationships. If it weren't for their commitments to each other, they wouldn't have survived the lows.

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What if I made the wrong decision? This is the wrong question to ask. Seriously. Once you have made a commitment, you are supposed to stay together. It's too late. I'm not about to help you to break your commitment. Skip to the next question, please.

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How do I make the right decision? By thinking it over very carefully. Take your time! This is the most important decision you will ever make. Get to know your man before you move in together. Listen carefully to your family and friends when they talk about your man. List the qualities you like, as well as the stuff that pisses you off. Do you have similar faiths or philosophies? Are you compatible? Do your strengths and weaknesses complement each other? Have you dated enough guys to know when one of them really is Mr. Right? Are you willing to make a public commitment to this person? Is he willing to do the same for you? Are you both proud enough of your relationship to tell your families about it? Needing him doesn't count -- someday you might not need him anymore -- and you can't base a commitment on that.

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What if commitment just isn't for me? No problem. Just don't expect others to be committed to you, and try not to break too many guys' hearts as you cruise through life. It is much kinder to avoid making a commitment, than to break one you wish you hadn't made.

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"Dear Friends,

We have come together this day to witness and bless the union of these persons in a lifelong commitment of love. The calling to live in the bond of a covenant is a wonderful gift ... as are the callings to love, to reason, to work and play, and to live in harmony with nature and one another. In celebrating this covenant we are reminded of our own highest vocations, callings, and commitments.

Matthew and John are here to bear witness to their love for each other and to their intention to embody this love in a lifelong relationship. Each has found the other to be a great gift in the midst of a difficult world. We are now called to share in their happiness and to witness this exchange of vows.

The joining of two persons in heart, body, and mind is intended for their mutual joy, for the help and comfort given one another in prosperity and adversity, and for the greater manifestation of love in the lives of all they encounter. Therefore, this commitment is to be undertaken and affirmed seriously, reverently, and deliberately."

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"In the presence of all those gathered here today, I, Matthew, take you, John, to be my husband; and I solemnly promise here before these witnesses that I will stand beside you and with you always, in times of celebration and of sadness, in times of pleasure and of anger, in times of sickness and of health; I will care for you and love you so long as we both shall live."

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Now is the appointed time to break the bondage of this prejudice ...

-- Adapted from the words of Episcopal Bishop John Shelby Spong