Matthew Dominic Hunter

8/16/98: Rebound

2003-08-15T10:06:04Z

Now that you are alone ...

There seem to be several ways we deal with the aftermath of a broken heart.

Filling the Void -- Many times, at first, we rush out into the world, looking intently for a new relationship to fill the empty spaces left behind. We peruse the personal ads, strategize with friends, hone our pickup skills, and harbor an intense hope that each person we date will become our next husband. We feel lonely, hurt, abandoned, and long for nothing more than a replacement for the man we used to have. We scare people when we are like this ... we are worse than sexual predators ... we are trying to consume the very souls of our prey ...

The Release of Meaningless Sex -- A somewhat more detached response is to decide that we are not interested in "relationships" right now (after all, men are "assholes"). We still get horny, still find other guys attractive, and we'll have sex with other willing partners. That is as far as we'll let things go. We aren't ready for a relationship. Relationships are too much work. We don't want to hurt anybody, and don't want anybody to hurt us.

Trying to Win Him Back -- Occasionally this works, but it seems to be a weaker response than the others. Rather than accepting our loss, we obsess about fixing things back up. We pledge to be different this time. We've learned from our mistakes! We promise to never do those bad things again. We've learned our lesson, passed through that phase, discovered that the grass isn't greener. Unfortunately, patterns have a way of reasserting themselves when times get tough, and apologies are no substitute for actual behavior.

Hermits are Happier -- Finally, we make the best of our situation. We believe that we can actually be happy on our own, without searching for sex, without going on dates, and without dwelling on the past. We take a class, join a club, hang out with friends, watch TV, read, hike, go to the beach, masturbate often, and entertain ourselves with gossip about our friends, enemies, and ex-lovers.

Or we do all of these things, more or less simultaneously, as the weeks stretch into months, Christmas comes and goes, and we never really know when, if, or how mutual love will strike again ...

Solitude (7/11/98)

2003-07-11T10:19:19Z

I can't let myself forget the limitations of my personality -- I am an introvert -- and every day I need some time to myself for meditation and reflection.

Introverts like me are a minority. Psychologists say we make up only 25% of the population. Extraverts often don't understand introverts. They may think we are cold, shy, or withdrawn. They don't understand why we would ever go to a movie by ourselves, or head out to the clubs without gathering a group together first.

Introverts are territorial. We desire private places. We recharge our batteries by working alone, reading, or meditating. This doesn't mean we can't stand crowds, but it does mean we need to take breaks from the crowds in order to maintain our energy.

Many introverts feel pressure from society, family, and friends to be more outgoing. They often spend their lives wishing they could be more like others. Don't we all want to be more "normal"? And we can learn to be more sociable. There is a recognizable rhythm to small talk no matter where you go.

Even so, finding a mature satisfaction with life requires that we make peace with our personalities. Perhaps our sexual preferences do not please the majority. Maybe we prefer to live in a world of ideals and dreams. Some of us prefer flexibility to closure; others of us prefer strong principles to subjective values. If you continue to fight your nature because "society" wants you to be somebody else, then you won't find the true happiness of living in the world as you were created.

You are unique, indivisible, uncontrollable, and responsible for your own life. Don't delegate that responsibility to anybody else. You need to listen carefully to the waters running inside -- stop swimming against your own tide!

5/8/88:

2003-06-27T11:19:42Z

The whole idea of a savior is de-personalizing, de-moralizing ... you must look to yourself for your future, not some mythical spirit locked in the past and abused by every political system over the past two-thousand years.

2/23/88: Code-Sex

2003-06-26T10:44:14Z

2/23/88: Code-Sex ... young tan muscular proportioned smooth face angular face yet centered huge prick no fat right hair

Why does desire attach itself to certain visual forms, acceptably masculine, a gender definition

I like men, this is what men are

cute vs. ugly

body-fashion ... it used to be the body was taboo for use in print, so it was not the major sexual form

pornography ... vis-sex

I'm inside this construction, certain types turn me on, I am typed also, coded for sex,

Interchangeable people ... what is love ... should we love anyone/everyone ... all are unique and all are coded, all have certain behavior types which are both social/asocial

Different things are important to different people -- compatibility -- love -- sex -- looking for an outlet -- subjectivity -- real people -- real caring

written on 1/21/81 -- 22 years ago, damn I'm old ;-)

2003-06-25T12:26:11Z

1/21/81: My dad is on another one of his crusades in which he wants all of us to be quiet and perfect. He gets in this mood about every two weeks. At least my mother is a good influence on him. She has been trying to change his ways to a nicer tune. He doesn't abuse us, don't get me wrong, he just can't cope with imperfection. At work he is on top of the ladder and people come to him with problems and ask for advice. He has a feeling of compassionate omniscience there. Then he comes home where he is confronted with a never "perfectly clean" house, running & chasing kids, and the other problems of a house with five children under 14. The transition from godlike boss to average daddy is too much for him. He spends his gigantic salary on us and then expects perfect children in return. He doesn't realize that time is the best thing you can give to a child.

Commitment (written on 6/12/98)

2003-06-22T17:30:29Z

How do you know when to make one?
... or break one?

[If you think I'm giving you an easy answer to this one, you must be nuts.]

-----

Gay Marriage -- even some of our most "tolerant" straight friends can't quite accept the idea of letting two men or two women marry each other. These "tolerant" folk might agree that all sexual acts between consensual adults should be legal. They might think gay men and lesbians deserve equal employment opportunities, and equal access to housing (as long as we "work hard and play by the rules" like President Clinton says). Still, they want to reserve "marriage" for heterosexuals. If we push really hard, they might offer us a limited set of "domestic partner" benefits, but that just ain't the same thing!

Meanwhile, our intolerant enemies criticize us for being promiscuous.

Is it any wonder we are more promiscuous when they won't even let us get married?

-----

Commitment is a decision. Love may come from the heart, but commitment comes from the head. It has to. When you buy your man a ring, plan a ceremony, and make public vows to each other, you have made a decision to stay with this man for as long as you both shall live. A commitment needs to be a decision, because there will be days, or weeks, or perhaps months where your heart goes astray. Long-term couples (I'm talking 10+ years here) know all about the highs and the lows of relationships. If it weren't for their commitments to each other, they wouldn't have survived the lows.

-----

What if I made the wrong decision? This is the wrong question to ask. Seriously. Once you have made a commitment, you are supposed to stay together. It's too late. I'm not about to help you to break your commitment. Skip to the next question, please.

-----

How do I make the right decision? By thinking it over very carefully. Take your time! This is the most important decision you will ever make. Get to know your man before you move in together. Listen carefully to your family and friends when they talk about your man. List the qualities you like, as well as the stuff that pisses you off. Do you have similar faiths or philosophies? Are you compatible? Do your strengths and weaknesses complement each other? Have you dated enough guys to know when one of them really is Mr. Right? Are you willing to make a public commitment to this person? Is he willing to do the same for you? Are you both proud enough of your relationship to tell your families about it? Needing him doesn't count -- someday you might not need him anymore -- and you can't base a commitment on that.

-----

What if commitment just isn't for me? No problem. Just don't expect others to be committed to you, and try not to break too many guys' hearts as you cruise through life. It is much kinder to avoid making a commitment, than to break one you wish you hadn't made.

-----

"Dear Friends,

We have come together this day to witness and bless the union of these persons in a lifelong commitment of love. The calling to live in the bond of a covenant is a wonderful gift ... as are the callings to love, to reason, to work and play, and to live in harmony with nature and one another. In celebrating this covenant we are reminded of our own highest vocations, callings, and commitments.

Matthew and John are here to bear witness to their love for each other and to their intention to embody this love in a lifelong relationship. Each has found the other to be a great gift in the midst of a difficult world. We are now called to share in their happiness and to witness this exchange of vows.

The joining of two persons in heart, body, and mind is intended for their mutual joy, for the help and comfort given one another in prosperity and adversity, and for the greater manifestation of love in the lives of all they encounter. Therefore, this commitment is to be undertaken and affirmed seriously, reverently, and deliberately."

...

"In the presence of all those gathered here today, I, Matthew, take you, John, to be my husband; and I solemnly promise here before these witnesses that I will stand beside you and with you always, in times of celebration and of sadness, in times of pleasure and of anger, in times of sickness and of health; I will care for you and love you so long as we both shall live."

...

Now is the appointed time to break the bondage of this prejudice ...

-- Adapted from the words of Episcopal Bishop John Shelby Spong

Rejection (written on 5/25/98)

2003-06-22T17:20:42Z

It happens to everybody -- me, you, all of our friends -- we all get rejected.

You meet a cute guy, you try to strike up a conversation, but he answers in monosyllables, and eventually just wanders away.

You go out on a great first date, you enjoy yourself, exchange kisses, drive home on an adrenaline high, and then he never returns your calls.

You've been dating for six weeks! You finally decide that this man is the one for you, the one you want to live with, the one you want to bring home to your parents! But he decides that things are moving too fast, and that he just wants to be friends.

Or, the two of you have been living together for years, you think of yourself as "married," and one day you discover that he has fallen in love with another man.

Guess what -- all of these scenarios have happened to the best of us, no matter how cute, sexy, brilliant, sensitive, outgoing, wealthy, caring, fashionable, down-to-earth, funny, or careful we may be.

But ... keep this important fact in mind the next time you feel rejected: You have rejected others too. You have wandered away from guys trying to pick you up, you have broken things off after the first date, you have felt that things were going too fast, and perhaps you have even cheated on your partner.

After all, dating is not a game of solitaire. Either player can flip over the table at any time, for any reason. If you are not happy, you can leave. The same goes for your partner/adversary. Especially in the world of Gay Male Relationships, which have few (if any) legal protections.

You can't take this personally. You will be disappointed, upset, angry, depressed, and sad; but you can't give up. You are a valuable person, you are unique, you are gifted, you are alive, and you can thrive. If you are upset about a rejection, take some time off -- [ relax grieve sunbathe bitch party ] -- but you will get over it, you will adapt.

You will find somebody new. I promise.

The Undead LiveJournal

2003-05-02T00:32:03Z

I decided not to let this LiveJournal disappear, although I'm not using it anymore.

The VirtualExile handle no longer fits my life.

So, I ended this journal and started a new one as mai_neh. I also changed my personal Internet domain to http://5of5.info/ and I'll be adding both new and old content there.

Farewell, LiveJournalers

2003-04-18T17:44:57Z

I have enjoyed the club, but I must go.

I'm going to spend more of my time with my family, friends, coworkers, etc.

This has been taking up too much of my time, I must make time for others.

Thank you!

Stuff

2003-04-18T01:24:17Z

Well, I talked with a lot of people, and calmed down a bunch, and I think I'll be able to sleep well tonight.

I'll see y'all in the morning :-)

Self & Community

2003-04-17T14:17:17Z

Sometimes we need to go away and figure things out for ourselves. Other times we need help from the community.

Yes, I'm full of platitutes now. I'm a friggin' platitude factory. Watch me spit!

Heh

2003-04-17T13:59:51Z

SARS is probably a false alarm. My bad. Alertness was good, but paying attention to the data is key.

A diagnostic criterion issue. Yeah, it's a cold virus, and some people are taking it hard, but it isn't all that. If a person's symptoms match a particular grid, then it "becomes" SARS, even though other people who are exposed to that virus don't get very sick. In this way, it is sort of like HIV and AIDS. Different viruses affect different people in different ways.

If the scientific community is careful about this, they might figure out ways to help treat viral pneumonia regardless of which cold virus causes it. My personal suggestion, from personal experience, is that sodium intake makes respiratory problems worse, in some people.

Stuff

2003-04-17T12:22:17Z

My father didn't understand me. And now that's OK.

My mother did understand me. And now that's OK.

Right Speech

2003-04-16T18:42:44Z

My mother was right. I didn't think so, but she was right. She knew I would figure it out and come back. She wasn't exactly sure how ... I was plainly skeptical. When she spoke ex cathedra, she knew. She'd always claim that I was her son. Now I've inherited that ability.

My own path includes hers, of course. And adds to it. And drops from it. We each evolve in our own way, as we are meant to. And I am nurturing people in my own way too.

Faith and Doubt, I now know thee well

2003-04-16T12:09:10Z

There is more faith in an honest doubt,
Believe me, than in half the creeds.

-- Tennyson

fabulist

2003-04-15T23:48:38Z

I'm an author now :-)

virtualexile @ 2003-04-15T18:07:00

2003-04-15T22:07:14Z

this is about consciousness evolving, and exactly what was necessary for that to happen

OMG, this is going to make me Vegan too, damn it ... Moose wins ;-)

And, yes I'm going to pull people with me, that's what meme warfare is all about. Raise your shields!

Heh, there are backfire memes that react in the exact opposite way from what they are told to do.

Don't raise your shields!

That's just it, you don't know what the fuck will happen next. You can't know. You can imagine ... and you can imagine anything ...

Yay, I'm not alone

2003-04-15T21:19:34Z

We seem to live in a muddle that we think matters to a self that doesn’t exist. I wanted to find out why. ^{http://www.memes.org.uk/meme-lab/DART96.HTM}

I'll try to explain what the fuck has been happening to me.

I've awoken from the first-order meme dream (I awoke from the null-order meme dream a while ago), with the help of the higher-order Buddhist meme complex, and I'm now conscious of n-order meme warfare. Just knowing that there are more levels of meme warfare than I can ever become aware of ... has kicked me loose from nearly every belief I've ever had. This has been a tremendous loss, and a tremendous excitement, and I've felt paranoid as well, mostly because I'd previously been infected by the paranoia of Heinlein's capstone novels. I think I'll get over the paranoia ... not that it matters.

I can never see the world the same way again.

I think this might be one form of what some Buddhists call nirvana or enlightenment. There are probably several stages of apparent enlightenment. Whatever label you might want to use, I'm there. And I'm not finished adjusting to it. Perhaps I never will be. I'm still scared about what this means, and why it has happened to me, and what it will do to my so-called life.

Examples of how some memes interact

2003-04-15T18:13:06Z

Everywhere we look we can drill down further and find wheels within wheels. There are no fundamental wave/particle/s. And if you postulate that time loops, and that all processes are inherently conscious ... but THAT'S WHAT HEINLEIN did!

I finally grok Heinlein's The Number of the Beast. Damn ... we grow up thinking all these books are science fiction. Well, some of them are actually fables that teach us about how the world works.

The Correct Question

2003-04-15T16:24:31Z

Is not "Is there life on Mars?"

but "Was there life on Mars?"

Goals

2003-04-15T16:08:04Z

Sometimes setting a loose and distant goal evokes new and unexpected powers.

The goal itself is irrelevant, because your new powers will change your goals.

Today I am conscious of both the growth of my new powers, and the loss of my old innocence. I am now ready to return to the world.

My own words

2003-04-15T13:28:47Z

My own description of what Bush and his War Department are really saying to the world:

"Because one of you dared to attack our Homeland on Septemper 11, I am able to bewitch and hypnotize the American people into doing whatever I say needs to be done regarding my War on Terror. I can go to war against any country I choose, and destroy its leadership within weeks. There will be no negotiations. World leaders, you will either do what I say, or I will kill you. You personally. Have a nice day."

The Department of Intimidation

2003-04-15T13:21:38Z

Once upon a time there was more clarity in American government, and the war-making portion of the government was called The War Department. The leader of that department was called The Secretary of War.

Just as the executive office building was called The Presidential Palace on the original drawings.

We were more honest with ourselves back then.

Now we live in the age of well-studied deception, where words and labels are used to obscure reality ala Animal Farm and 1984. Do they still teach those books in school? If not, read them for yourself, they are vital to understanding the world in which you live.

Everything President Bush and his administration say to you in public is an attempt to deceive you and intimidate you into allowing them to have their way. You can choose to see things the way they really are instead, by looking at what they do, not what they say, and describing it in your own words.

"Watch what I do, not what I say," -- President Nixon

Words have consequences (as do photographs)

2003-04-15T12:46:15Z

Because speech is so predominant in our lives, and because our words are so consequential, learning the art of skillful communication needs to be a significant aspect of our Dharma practice.

The Buddha emphasized the importance of this when he included right speech as a distinct part of the path to awakening. Although there is great elaboration of right speech in the texts, it all condenses into two general principles: Is it true? Is it useful?

Practicing these principles in our practice fosters increasing sensitivity. We become attuned to subtleties of truth and falsehood. Are there times when we shade the truth, or exaggerate in some way? And are there times when our words may be true, but it is not the right time, place, or situation for them to be useful?

-- Joseph Goldstein

An initial attempt at sleep last night did not set. I eventually rose with the intent of masturbation, which I completed. I think I need one more mental health day away from the office. Sometimes the infections of my mind and heart require the same rest and relaxation as the infections of my upper respiratory tract.

I also saw Tim online, a fellow temporary insomniac and a wonderful new friend of mine. We chatted about the strange and unexpected losses I've taken over the past few days. I am not resisting these losses, but they are initially draining.

Tim and I are going to take a photography class this spring :-) I will have to secure the correct sort of film camera. My current digital camera is the first and only camera I've ever owned. My main subject for my photography, so far, has been myself.

Photographs are all about choice and intention. Photographs are more about what we leave out, than what we include. And the viewer can not know what has been cropped, what has been posed ... the area within the frame creates a story-line that extends beyond the frame, blending the imaginations of the viewers with the material of the photograph ... creating a virtual world in which such a photograph is not only possible, but relatively ordinary. This illusion of the relative ordinary is what makes photography extra-ordinary and magical, a tool for shaping reality rather than a tool for recording reality.

Hell, I delete far more pictures of myself than I ever show. Pictures are carefully edited reality.

My experience with my digital camera has led me to become more imaginative about taking pictures when other people hand me their cameras. They want a standard pose -- the group of friends smiling & standing in front of a memorable scene. These standard poses bore me now. They tell ordinary stories, not extra-ordinary stories. They do not express the genius of the photographer.

-----

And everything I've said about photographs applies equally well to words. Words are all about choice and intention. Words are more about what we don't say. And the listener can not know what has been withheld, what has been fabricated ... the words create a story-line that extends beyond their enunciation, blending the imaginations of the viewers with the intentions of the author ... creating a virtual world in which such a story is not only possible, but "true". This illusion of truth is what makes words powerful and magical, tools for shaping reality rather than tools for recording reality.

Just describe what you see

2003-04-15T00:15:52Z

That is enough.

That was always enough.

[Only the neutrals can see reality. Everybody else sees their dreams moving closer and then slipping out of reach.]

And then, when you are ready, stop describing, and just see.